When You Talk
by Tina Mojica
Editor's note: Tina wrote this as a post for Will's Musings blog last semester. We wanted to republish it here and now because it's still such a good thought.
Lately all I’ve really wanted is to be known. I’ve told a lot of my friends this… hoping they would get the hint, but nobody really took the bait. It’s a good thing too— I mean I am relieved for them in a way -- because it’s asking a lot.
I don’t just want someone to know my favorite movie, or how I take my coffee (hypothetical since I don’t drink coffee), but I want someone to know about things that really matter to me: my dreams, my goals, some weaknesses (not all, but enough to avoid some unintentional harm such weaknesses might cause). I don’t really just want to be known. I want to be known, good and bad, and still be liked.
A friend of mine says that the worst form of loneliness is not that of being alone, but that of being unknown. I think we try to avoid this loneliness by pretending. We start developing personality traits that people attribute to us. If you are known for your sarcasm you play it up. If people think of you as the “cheery one”, you don’t let people know that you have bad days. By focusing on a few personality traits, we attempt to create an image we think others will like. If this image is accepted we can avoid loneliness, at least on the surface. The pretending usually continues until someone calls us on it, or we get tired of playing.
I pretend best with sarcasm. Many people like to say they are sarcastic by nature. I used to feel the same way until last week. This past week, I realized the dangers of misplaced sarcasm. I had a fight with a good friend that the importance of watching what I say really hit me. We resolved the conflict that same night, but I still can’t get over how horrible it felt to know that I had let something so destructive come out of my mouth. There wasn’t a reason behind what I said…I didn’t even mean it. What was worse was that I realized I had never let this friend know how much he means to me until after I had put my foot in my mouth.
I’m cautious about letting people know just how much they mean to me. I think that in expressing love openly, l leave myself vulnerable to disappointment, rejection, and betrayal. I’m afraid of giving of myself and finding out the feeling isn’t mutual. I know that there are several people in my life that I love that probably have no idea, but there are plenty of people I love that have been the subject of a “well-placed” sarcastic comment. Sarcasm always has a bit of truth in it; sometimes I just use it as a way of letting someone know I care.
I used to think I was sarcastic by nature, but now I’m thinking I’m sarcastic out of fear. Sarcasm is funny, and if I’m not sarcastic, I feel like I lose some sort of edge on life. It’s leverage I can hold over other people because I am good at it, not every one is. This goes back to the lifeboat mentality that Don Miller talks about. This pretending thing gets out of hand and we don’t just hurt ourselves when we pretend, we hurt others because we end up dealing with each other superficially, never giving each other the chance to be known.
"When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need --- words that will help others become stronger." -- Ephesians 4:29
Editor's note: Tina wrote this as a post for Will's Musings blog last semester. We wanted to republish it here and now because it's still such a good thought.
Lately all I’ve really wanted is to be known. I’ve told a lot of my friends this… hoping they would get the hint, but nobody really took the bait. It’s a good thing too— I mean I am relieved for them in a way -- because it’s asking a lot.
I don’t just want someone to know my favorite movie, or how I take my coffee (hypothetical since I don’t drink coffee), but I want someone to know about things that really matter to me: my dreams, my goals, some weaknesses (not all, but enough to avoid some unintentional harm such weaknesses might cause). I don’t really just want to be known. I want to be known, good and bad, and still be liked.
A friend of mine says that the worst form of loneliness is not that of being alone, but that of being unknown. I think we try to avoid this loneliness by pretending. We start developing personality traits that people attribute to us. If you are known for your sarcasm you play it up. If people think of you as the “cheery one”, you don’t let people know that you have bad days. By focusing on a few personality traits, we attempt to create an image we think others will like. If this image is accepted we can avoid loneliness, at least on the surface. The pretending usually continues until someone calls us on it, or we get tired of playing.
I pretend best with sarcasm. Many people like to say they are sarcastic by nature. I used to feel the same way until last week. This past week, I realized the dangers of misplaced sarcasm. I had a fight with a good friend that the importance of watching what I say really hit me. We resolved the conflict that same night, but I still can’t get over how horrible it felt to know that I had let something so destructive come out of my mouth. There wasn’t a reason behind what I said…I didn’t even mean it. What was worse was that I realized I had never let this friend know how much he means to me until after I had put my foot in my mouth.
I’m cautious about letting people know just how much they mean to me. I think that in expressing love openly, l leave myself vulnerable to disappointment, rejection, and betrayal. I’m afraid of giving of myself and finding out the feeling isn’t mutual. I know that there are several people in my life that I love that probably have no idea, but there are plenty of people I love that have been the subject of a “well-placed” sarcastic comment. Sarcasm always has a bit of truth in it; sometimes I just use it as a way of letting someone know I care.
I used to think I was sarcastic by nature, but now I’m thinking I’m sarcastic out of fear. Sarcasm is funny, and if I’m not sarcastic, I feel like I lose some sort of edge on life. It’s leverage I can hold over other people because I am good at it, not every one is. This goes back to the lifeboat mentality that Don Miller talks about. This pretending thing gets out of hand and we don’t just hurt ourselves when we pretend, we hurt others because we end up dealing with each other superficially, never giving each other the chance to be known.
"When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need --- words that will help others become stronger." -- Ephesians 4:29
posted at 9:22 PM
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