Blah

by Jason Stenhouse

I began writing these thoughts down about a week or two ago, but they have felt unfinished, irritating me like a splinter in the back of mind; just waiting for me to do something with them. So I hope to do that something today.

I think it all started on a Tuesday when lots of things started coming at me a little bit too fast. Hurricane Katrina hit my hometown, I got in a fender-bender, I was asked to step up in several different areas of my life to lead/serve that I’m not sure I’m ready for, and I had a conversation with a friend that made me rethink a lot of stuff. It was after all this, that I laid in bed for several hours just thinking about why I do the things that I do.

I realized something that day. I realized that I don’t have any pure motives. Everything that I do, I do with the intention of being noticed by others, to gain applause. I have been trying to perform for people; trying to get them to think better of me. It kind of made me depressed and frustrated, but frustration really doesn’t describe how I felt. It was more like the kind of feeling that makes you want to run away from everyone and everything you know, leaving it all behind.

You may have never thought this about me before but it’s true. You may have thought of me as some selfless person, but that’s mostly a façade. The real me is desperate for others to notice and praise me for what I do. I tell myself that I just want people to like me, but I know that the reason for all this is much deeper than that. The truth is that I want people to redeem me; I want them to give me value or worth. So my conversations and actions are filled with little things that I say and do to try and impress others.

Just the other day I was talking with a friend and he mentioned something that he enjoyed doing. I countered with the things that I like to do, making sure that he knew how I love to listen to music that most people haven’t heard of and how I can play multiple instruments and how I read lots of books. I wanted him to think more highly of me. This happens in every conversation that I have. All of my actions are the same way. I like to help out with stuff, I like to serve. But I also like to make sure that every-one who is there sees me serving. That everyone there would know what a great servant’s heart I have. This is wrong, it’s selfish.

And in the midst of all of this I just want to run away. I want to leave this all behind, leave everyone I know and start again; but I can’t. I can’t stop talking with people and I can’t stop serving. That would be foolish. Jesus Christ has called us to love and serve others through both word and deed, so I cannot cease to do these things. I must continue on even with these impure motives, trusting that God can and will still use me; that I will be cured of these things.

I still feel like these thoughts are incomplete but I don’t know what else to say. I’m still frustrated, I still want to run away, but I believe I have found hope. God said somewhere that if we should all walk in the light, in honesty, we would be cleansed from all sin. My hope is here with others, in community, being honest with one another and with God that we would be cleansed from this sin that so easily entangles us. So, I suppose if anyone else out there is feeling like this, come find me. Let’s walk together. Let’s walk in the light and let’s be healed.